What happens when the person who usually makes you happy starts making you cry? You feel like asking yourself where did all that love and happiness go ? Where was the boy who made your day, made you feel light and happy after every conversation, not brood and stare blankly at the ceiling often after half-cut and agitated calls?
I dont think it is the distance. I dont think it was the time or place. What happened suddenly to make the whole fantasy flight crash, I do not know. But it did. Crashed, more like fell off air, leaving everything charred and in a wreck. You feel uncertain, unsure, afraid to hurt the person, but every morning you wake up with a plethora of random thoughts bubbling in your head “Why did he say that last night ?”, “He never spoke like this”, “Oh! Third night in a row i’ve cried”, “It was never like this”.
Before you know it, it already has ended.
I had two options in front of me, to continue the relationship, fight everyday, not happy from inside and to pretend that everything is alright when it was not or be honest and tell him it is not what it was. As I lay in bed, wide awake at 4 in the morning, eyes puffy from yet another fight which would end today, I realized that the least I can do is to be truthful to the person who tugged at my heartstrings with every word he spoke. I could not pretend. The decision was made.
I sat the whole afternoon blankly putting the pieces of the phone together which yet again I had thrown in frustration after another mute conversation which usually had me asking “Are you still there?”,only to hear a solitary “Yes”, my mind drafting and re-drafting the lines to say. Every now and then I’d feel like chickening out but the tear stains on my pillow-covers would firm my resolution again and I would frame them, mentally preparing for the day I hoped would never come.
So here I was. Single again. The first and second day I had to hide my phone in the cupboard fully dismantled to stop myself from calling him again and saying “I was being a fool”. I read ferociously lying sprawled on my bed, computer shut off. I went for long walks, listening to music and shutting off everything that had perspired between us in the last two days. The message beep tone would throw me off guard and I would find myself melting like marshmallow when I read his lines, laden with sadness and the shock. I did not change my tear-stained sheets that whole week.
But then days pass and you do recover. As your mind tries to draw that thin line between thinking about him and dwelling on his memories, reconcile with the present and drape a thin veil on everything sad and bad, you feel good. I felt nice about being totally honest and having no burden on my thoughts, no pretence. People spoke, word went around.Breakups usually generate the same heat as probably a volcanic eruption. A lot of explanations had to be given. Especially to the ones close to you, but they were more than supportive and patient to hear me out and give me the strength,cheer me up whenever I began to fall into that pit of dark memories again, hear me out inspite of it being midnight and me repeating few things over and over again. Indeed, I cannot be more in debt to all of them.
I am happy again, totally back to where I was. All the memories written on this blog bring back a trickle of warmth into my heart again. I have left this whole saga with a lot of tenderness and respect for him. There are no hard feelings or hatred. I am not averse to being in love again nor am I telling anyone to take away any harsh lessons from what happened to me. It was a phase, totally worth living and recollecting.
Afterall, Ive had the best deal. I have a treasure of the best memories, some of the best times I’ve ever had, all safe and stored in my heart, which will make me go on and wish him all the success and love that he can ever lay his hands on.
I tell you, its totally worth being in love. Im happy I tasted it!